To Grow Or Not To Grow…

person s playing chess
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Have you ever had one of those days that started great, turned south with mad quickness, and you made an executive decision to put a pin in that shit and have a great day anyway?  Me too!  Today!

And you know what the kicker is?  I am actually grateful that I was in tears this morning!

Allow me to explain…

My morning started great.  I have the day off and I woke up naturally, stretched, appreciated my bed, my pillows, my sleep… got up, showered, meditated, journaled, spoke to Hubs on the phone, then called my mother.  Then I cried, then I had an imaginary argument with her, then decided that I’d had enough, and I just accepted I apparently have some wonky vibrations involving my mother.  I won’t be able to fix it today, but I don’t have to let it ruin my day, either.

it’s like listening for a whisper in a room full of shouting

It’s such a simple concept, but in the midst of the momentum of a thought you have been having for a while, it’s like listening for a whisper in a room full of shouting (I say you here, but I really mean me… it’s a tactic I have developed to ‘teach’ myself, and it works pretty well).  Every time life causes you to have a thought, and you follow the thought long enough that it causes some emotional reaction within yourself, it gains momentum.  The next time life presents a similar experience, your ’emotional momentum’ doesn’t start back at zero, it picks back up wherever you left off with it.  If it’s something wanted, then you’re going to really enjoy the momentum, but if it’s something unwanted, that momentum will carry you further in the direction of unwanted.  Just like you can’t stop a train going 100 miles an hour in one direction and suddenly be going 100 miles an hour in the opposite direction, you can’t stop a train of thought going in the direction of unwanted, and suddenly have it going in the direction of wanted.  You have to slow it down before you can change direction.  So that’s what I did.

It took a while.

There was apparently a lot of momentum.

In fact, it took starting this blog post to actually soothe the last of those wonky vibrations.  Soothed them enough to send an honest, mature apology to my mother explaining I just had to go because I needed to straighten out my thoughts; an abrupt departure from the conversation seemed to be the best way to avoid making things any worse, and I was sorry if I hurt her feelings in the process of trying to get myself back into alignment.

Phew.  I don’t think I can explain in words how freeing that was for me.

I know this post may seem to imply the opposite, but I love my mother to pieces.  I adore her.  In fact, I think that the fact that I love her so much has been part of the problem.  Well, that sounded much more awful that I intended!  What I mean to say is, I love my mother so much, that I often find myself unable or unwilling to pay the proper attention to my own emotional state, because I am so worried about hers.  She’s always given her all to her family, and I don’t want to hurt her, or upset her, or any of those things, so I will often try to push through any negativity I am feeling in an attempt to… what?  What good am I doing by ignoring my own thoughts and emotions?  None, that’s what.

What a concept.  I can step away when I am feeling contrast (negativity).  I don’t have to push through, and hammer out whatever ‘bad’ thing I think is happening in the midst of it!

I haven’t checked my phone yet to see if she accepts my apology, but even if she’s not ready to accept it, I am ready, willing, and able to bring a more loving me to our next interaction.

You know that moment when you know for sure you are actually taking your power back, not just hoping you’re on the right track?  Me too!  Today!

Namaste and Blessed Be, friends!

 

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