Note to Self:
COMMUNICATE, don’t FABRICATE!
So, I wanted to share the results of my dinner with you all…
Lesson 1 – Even when you’re pretty confident you know the full story, don’t assume you do, until you have talked things over, because
Lesson 1, Sub-Section A ) you will never rarely know the entire story, and
Lesson 1, Sub-Section B ) if you are wrong (as we so often are), there’s less to beat yourself up about after everything is all said and done.
Lesson 2 – Worrying about what to say beforehand is futile. Nothing ever goes the way you expect.
Lesson 3 – Never listen to any of your own negative thoughts about what is going on inside someone else’s head, or about the intent behind their (apparent) actions.
Lesson 4 – I’ve still got lots of issues to work on!
Lesson 5 – Even though it turns out that basically, I’d just been full of a lot of resistance about my own false perceptions, the ‘work’ I did that night in my posts allowed me to have a joyful, loving lunch and real conversation with my friend.
I didn’t go into this dinner armed for battle, I went with the intent to be seen, and I feel both seen and heard. Now that I think about it, I hope she does, too. Admittedly, I talked more than I listened… but since my heart was troubled and hers was not, I think that is actually how it was supposed to work?
I am both humbled and grateful for this experience. Grateful to be able to feel love for my friend without pain again. Grateful I hadn’t acted rashly. Grateful that I am now aware of a pattern of thoughts in my mind which need adjustment.
Grateful that I have now experienced what it feels like to approach someone about something which I am struggling with, as it relates to them, in a more loving way, and with the acknowledgement that it is me and my perception of certain circumstances that is causing the problem.
I am grateful for my increasing ability to grow and change quickly, and with less difficulty.
I’m grateful for you, also. I always know that when I am troubled, someone out there will understand my words, and know where I’m coming from.
All is well that ends well, and I sincerely hope that showing the depth of my self-imposed despair (and the fact I had completely fabricated her ‘motivations’… the entire time believing I was seeing ‘what is’) will help someone stop, even for a moment, and COMMUNICATE, not FABRICATE.
Namaste & Blessed be!
❤
Semantics Station 
Haha 💜 never listen to your own advice on others thoughts! 👌🏻
LikeLiked by 1 person
I like this post. It takes a lot of courage to put our ego asides and step out of our comfort zone. Not many people are willing to do so. Let me tell you this. The situation with your friend tells a whole lot more about who you are than who she is since you are the one who had to overcome herself and confront a hard emotional dilemma; being nice despite the pain felt or being hurtful because of the pain felt. It’s a tough choice and because of that most people choose to go with the latter or dismiss the growth opportunity all together. You chose to grow and learn which is a telltale sign of emotional/psychological strength 😊😊😊
LikeLiked by 1 person
Aww… well thank you so much! I appreciate your words. It was difficult. Almost as difficult as admitting publicly how much of an ass I had been, lol.
Authenticity, right? 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yes authenticity always wins because at the end when everybody’s mask falls off, it’s priceless when someone realizes that your face did not change afterwards, it’s something people remember even if they don’t publicly admit it… Lack of authenticity, communication and honesty is the main reason one I chose to let go of a specific individual in my life. If you don’t mind me asking, what’s with the struggle with being authentic? I’m not necessarily referring to only you, just asking generally? I feel like learning and gaining some understanding.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Well… all my life, I’ve never been… me. A perfect storm of circumstance and personality came together and I felt like a puppet on everyone else’s string until recently.
When you’ve never actually known who you are, it becomes more important to honor your authentic self the more you discover who that actually is. Or at least, that’s my personal experience.
For me, it is a struggle between Authentically ME, versus a reproduction of someone else’s wants, needs, and/or desires for me.
It’s difficult for most people to understand what it is like, growing up the way that I did. On top of that, I’m the weirdo in my own weird family, to boot, lol.
I was made for this life, lol.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Quite interesting Amanda. Thank you for your willingness to share insight. I understand better now. Yes it`s true it`s difficult to understand why people are a certain way without knowing where they are coming from.
For me it has been a constant struggle trying to understand the human nature and why they behave in hurtful ways… Like why people choose to cheat over sitting and communicating? Or why people try to make someone jealous or hurt them to show them they love them?
The more I grow, the more I realize my brain does not work like most people I have encountered because I don’t react the way they wish me to which scares them in a way.
When I feel someone wants to hurt me, I become distant and usually I just let go which to them is like saying I don’t care? But It’s because I care that I choose to just detach myself from the situation… Does it make sense?
The emotional drama for me is too hard to handle. I know the proper way to react is to get jealous or to cause a scene in order to make them feel secure in their love? But I have found that it takes so much of my energy I become physically sick… So I let go… I know how people would want me to react but something inside of me don’t give in to that… I don’t understand how relationships work or how I should be. Sometimes I feel like being me is never enough. I’ve never been a relationship where someone did not try to hurt me or break my trust. Once my trust is broken it is very difficult for me to trust again. I usually just let go of the person and let them live their live which to me is showing them I care enough to let them be but again, that’s not what people desire?
I’m really confused. Or maybe it’s just a set of bad experiences and all those people were insecure lol. I have no idea but I don’t think that love is supposed to hurt and drives me sick?
LikeLiked by 1 person
Well… of the many ways I could answer this, I will do my best to choose the reply that feels like it answers what you’re asking…
It is very rare that humans respond to each other based on each other’s actual intentions. We each react according to our beliefs about and perceptions of what one another’s intentions are.
Most of our struggles come from the fear of being vulnerable, because we believe that the source of our pain is external.
I used to spend all my time trying to figure out others… now I just work on figuring out how I work! I have learned that an ability to change perspective, to argue both sides easily, helps you understand how people operate, but it doesn’t help you communicate. Poor communication skills are also to blame. Most of us have only begun to peel back the layers of the onion, to see the real reasons behind why we do the things we do.
Just keep on moving forward, friend. ❤
LikeLiked by 1 person
“Well… of the many ways I could answer this, I will do my best to choose the reply that feels like it answers what you’re asking…”
Huh? How can you tell for sure how I want the question to be answered? Some people have no expectations. I’m a free spirit never forget that, authentic answers that come from the heart are the only expectations here funny loll
It’s a good answer but this was not a graduation test lol. But stills… I like it.
Moving forward is my motto in life and if I fall I make sure to fall forward so that I can see where I`m falling/failing, I’m in a good shape, always. I was just sharing my philosophical thoughts. I’m a – strange – philosopher, annoying to some degree but It must be part of my nature, I just like to go very deep in the hole. I wanted to go deeper but I’m going to stop so I don’t disrupt your peace lol.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Let me see… how to explain without coming off like a complete jerk?
A story?
Ok… so, on FB, I had a friend (this is literally the thing I read last on FB this a.m., and your question is the very next thing I read), who has ‘face blindness’. I do not. As they were describing their experience, I knew what they meant, intellectually, but I couldn’t COMPREHEND it, because I don’t experience it. In fact, I experience the opposite effect, I see similarities between people in the smallest of areas. Micro-expressions, etc.
When people ask me questions like this, ESPECIALLY about the driving force between the behavior of others, and their own perception of it, I see beyond words. I see MORE than most people.
When you ask why people do this or that… you are asking a question, sure, but 1)you’re smart enough to know that every person has millions of reasons for why they do what they do, based in their own life experiences, and 2) You know that why THEY do what they do doesn’t matter. The ONLY thing that matters is YOUR RESPONSE.
3) you know that everyone is at their own level of understanding
So, when someone asks, ‘Why do people do X’, they’re NOT all asking the same question. Not even you, my friend. No matter how ‘unobjective’ you believe yourself to be, you’re still wherever you are on your path.
The question you are asking may be the same as others, but the answer you are looking for is not.
You are looking for the answer that will move you further along in your understanding, which is very specific to the individual. You’re looking for UNDERSTANDING, which is HIGHLY individual, based on what you understand to this point.
Does that make any sense?
I know you and I think a lot alike, but in certain areas, we have different perceptions. Not because either of us are more right or wrong than the other, but we ‘specialize’ in different areas, different things come naturally to us.
My strong suit is PERCEPTION, but my weak point is COMMUNICATING those perceptions to others properly in conversation.
It makes for some confusing conversations, LOL. Like this one.
You haven’t disrupted my peace, friend! On the contrary, conversation like this HELPS me figure out where I have failed in getting my point across. Yeah, sometimes it can get frustrating, but as long as we always remember that the other only has the best of intentions in their conversation, frustration is educational! 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Oh my Amanda you are one of a kind lol. I applaud you. While most of what you said was true, allow me to bring you in. I do not think like most people. I like to see myself as Socrates (respectfully).
I ask to ask to philosophy then to ask and philosophy again (while it drives most people mad, I can do this for hours without problems). It’s a way for me to meditate and gain higher insight.
I`m aware of all that you said. But there`s a reason why I ask. Not necessarily to get a general understanding, because that general understanding I already have, but to understand how the individual I`m asking the question to perceive the world through the question I`m asking. I guess we would call that getting to know someone? 😊
Then with the response they give me, it allows me to have a broader perspective and expand my views but this cannot happen if the person I’m asking to tries to give me the answer they think I want.
And with all due respect, I strongly believe that everybody’s specialty is perception for perceiving is the only thing that was given to us. There is no truth per se, only perception. This stems from a high understanding that everybody perceives the world differently. But hey thank you for this. That was fun 😊😊
LikeLiked by 1 person
Well, then I guess I gave you all you were looking for and then some, LOL! You definitely got the inside scoop on how I think 😉
And I always enjoy our conversations! And this helps me, to understand you better, also! 🙂
Because we are awesome 🙂
And you’re correct, there is only perception of circumstances for any of us, and our jobs, as human beings, is to learn to get along, to make our differeing perceptions a strength, instead of a weakness.
I believe conversations like this one help with that. 🙂 and yes, this was fun!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Lol I’m glad to know I did not disrupt your peace with my question but truly it was the next question that I wanted to ask you that would have probably disrupt it lol.
Ever since you post that article saying “the souls that hurt us the most love us the most” I had a question for you to gain higher insight on the subject of love. But back then you didn’t like me much so I couldn’t ask. I still don’t know if I should go there. Like I said I don’t want to disrupt your inner peace 😂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Oh, by all means… ask.
If I am unable to answer, or feel like I need time, I will say so. 🙂
LikeLike
And for the record, I have never DISliked you :-p. Just didn’t know you.
Plus, I’ve grown massively in some areas since I began this blog. Some things I said a while back, I may not necessarily believe/perceive in quite the same way now as I did back then… however, my personal beliefs still hold true in that area, I think.
LikeLike
That’s okay. I’m a weird person lol. But I embrace it I don’t care 😊
No sweat. I`m not looking for a specific answer. I’m looking for the answer you are going to give me). Does it make sense? My intention is to grow and hopefully help further readers of this conversation as well lol.
It’s rare that a villain is so opened about their villainy so I see it as an opportunity to gain insight from the other side. And of course I’m just playing with you I know that you are not a villain but the word felt right to use in a humorist way lol 😊😊😂
You see it’s difficult for me to see the link between pain and love.
Most people associate pain with love and they think “they hurt me so it means they love me”.
I always wonder if those people think that getting stab in the stomach or punch in the face means their partner loves them…?
I do understand that most people bound through pain and hurtful situations. But how much is not enough and how much is too much hurt/pain?
Unlike many people I see and know… It seems that my heart or my soul cannot connect that way, I don’t get it. There’s a huge disconnection that happens in me when someone hurts me or lie to me.
I cant seem to get pass it.
I always wonder why would they make me cry if they love me? Why do they need to see me confused and paranoid to get confirmation of my love? What is the logic? Isn’t that twisted somehow?
Are there not much healthier ways to validate love other than driving someone insane or ill? Does it make sense?
A lot of the painful love concept does not make sense to me.
From my perspective only pain hurts. And only love can heal. So if it hurts it is not love. It is clearly pain. But I understand everybody hurts when they are in pain. They are not acting from love, it’s the hurt and the pain that is talking. I get that. I just have a hard time understanding where I should draw the line. Does it make sense?
If I’m allowing someone to hurt me on the basis they do so because they love me, how far are they going to take it? Do you know what I mean?
If love is pain and pain is love… Does it mean there is only pain? What is pain? What is love? They have to be separate entities. Pain drives people sick to the hospital while love heals and cure them. Pain and hatred cut your wings while love brings or grows them back.
I feel like they’ve portrayed that analogy beautifully in Maleficent with Angelina Jolie (maybe you’ve seen it).
The way I see it is that her jealous, envious and self-centered boyfriend lead her on in order to take something away from her. He cut her wings and did everything he could not to acknowledge his actions making her pass for the crazy one.
So she cursed his daughter. However, that same cursed child gave Maleficent her wings back, which led to her own father’s death (which is a symbol of her innocence).
Anyway bottom line is most people perceive love as being pain so they hurt to display love?
And if they don’t feel hurt they think it is not true love and that you don’t really love them?
Don’t get me wrong, the makeup is good afterwards, if you know what I mean, but aren’t there much healthier ways to spark a fire? I just cant wrap my head around all that yet… I need to grow there. I need insight a different perspective to disrupt me.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I think I will make this a post… if you were confused, perhaps others were, also, and didn’t feel comfortable speaking up to ask.
Thank you, really. I am SO glad you asked me this question!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Oh… and I can’t tell ‘for sure’…. it’s just an estimate, based on past experience with an individual.
But, you know what… that’s a good point. I hadn’t realized until this point how deep my need to tell people WHAT I THINK THEY WANT TO HEAR. How hesitant I am to state my own perceptions. That stems from my childhood. Definitely something to think about!
Thank you for a ‘minute musing’ of my own! Lol
LikeLiked by 1 person