What A Difference 

Friends, meditation should be mandatory at schools and workplaces.  And homes.  And at stoplights.

I spent nearly two days pulling at various strings, seeing what pulled free from the snarl of emotions I had going on, and within twenty minutes of stilling my mind, of going to my ‘zone’, the light switched on.  And that’s kind of what it was like.  Like a dark, scary, abandoned lot, and when I followed the right thought, it tripped some mental breaker, and suddenly, the entire incident was illuminated in a completely different light (pun half-intended), and much of my angst drained away.

There’s still plenty of work to be done, but now that the immediate painful emotional response has ebbed, the work can progress at a much faster rate.

I feel so much better.  

I had allowed my energy to become extremely out of whack regarding several people, then went and spend 8 hours with them.  In the middle of an intense transition period for me.

I remember in the past few weeks thinking, ‘whew, at least that crazy whirlwind of emotional growth has slowed some’, not realizing that it was the drag of my own whack-a-doodle energy that had slowed my momentum down, not the Universe.  The insights and understanding never slow down, the signal never slows down.  We only drift in and out of range of the ‘station’.

The instant I quieted my mind and reached for the ‘signal’, it was right there, quick as it ever was.  My transition, my growth, has not slowed at all.  I merely took a time-out in order to focus more clearly on this particular lesson.

I have areas in my life where I am too focused on the reciprocity of my affection.  I need the reassurance, the atta-girls, and the open affection in order to feel safe enough to open up to people, but I’m too defensive, insecure, and slow to get my bearings around new people, because I always have to take the time to get to know them before I decide whether they are ‘trustworthy’ of my affections… whether they ‘deserve’ my friendship, my smiles, my kind words, my attention, the effort it takes to learn their names… not because I thought that I was better than they were, but because I only had a finite amount of (very hard won) affection to give, so I had to be choosy with my love.  With those I let in.  With those I was willing to be vulnerable to; because I thought that, because I felt much more pain from the wounds of those closest to me, that they had caused me the most harm.  But I was harming myself.

With my thoughts.

With my words.

With my actions.

I used those closest to me as the source of all of the negative thoughts I was creating about myself.

I am unlovable.

I am ugly.

I am a terrible person.

We use all of these outside circumstances as excuses to beat up on ourselves.  To feel bad.  To feel pain and hurt and misery… but we only have to feel the pain for as long as we need to, be it hours, seconds, or days.  The instant we make the choice to love, to begin making our way back to love, and we quiet our minds and seek within, the answer will come.

Recommended Media

I’d like to take a few moments to share some of my reading list with you.  Some books and videos etc. that have helped propel me forward in my own personal journey.

I will try to put them into some semblance of order, but really, if you read/watch something that doesn’t resonate, set it aside and try it again in a few weeks or months.

I’ve been ‘studying’ myself for decades.  Lots of time alone leaves lots of time to mull life over.  Some of these things I ran across years back, and it made absolutely zero sense.  But now, it’s clear as day.

As of the writing of this post, I’m not an affiliate of anything.  This blog isn’t monetized at all, so I get nothing if you decide to buy anything on this list (but hey, I’ll take donations, if you’re feeling grateful…)

Kyle Cease‘I Hope I Screw This Up’ (and if you buy it online [I came across it through an FB ad] it comes with access to a 2 hour video of his 2-day seminar titled, “The Limitation Game”).  The book is basically ‘stream of consciousness’ style (sort of like a lot of my posts) so, if you do well with that type of writing, you will enjoy the book… but the video is AWESOME. (Update from Mr. Cease’s staff:“…we don’t have a public link for you to share; however, anyone who does have a book is certainly welcome to get their own login details to access the film by completing Step 2 here: www.kylecease.com/book

If anyone has any problems registering, they’re also welcome to email us here with a picture of their receipt, and we’ll be happy to send them access.)

Gay Hendricks, PhD – ‘Learning to Love Yourself’ (I recommend getting the bundle, for the additional workbook).  I love, love, love, this book, and if I had to only recommend you buy one thing, it would be this bundle (or just the book, if you prefer). The link to the bundle I found.  (Update from G.H. Staff: unfortunately, all they did was send me affiliate stuff, which I have no desire to do at this time.  I believe I paid $26 or $29 for my bundle.)  I was disappointed that there was such a lack of personal response, and typical form letter crap when trying to connect, but they were quick to reply, and I didn’t try to press further, so perhaps there is more ‘personal attention’ when pressed past initial contact.  But the book is incredible either way (if you ignore the duplicate paragraph a ways into the book).

Esther/Abraham Hicks – YouTube videos, definitely.  I’ve not yet read any of the books, because the YouTube videos keep coming for free.  This link will take you to lots of ad-free videos (not my channel- in fact, I don’t know this person at all, but I am grateful for their kindness in keeping ads out of the videos!).  The Abraham Hicks website can be found here

 The Bible – weird, right?  Since I started this blog with such a big to-do about how I no longer identify as ‘Christian’, in the traditional sense.  Oddly enough, when I re-read the Bible with the understanding that God is love, and Jesus was trying to show us that, and free us from our ‘unloving-ness’… it’s been really awesome (and enjoyable) to read!  I recommend this one waaayyy down the path, though.  If you read it and start feeling bad, put it down.  Your mind isn’t processing it with love.


I hope you enjoyed this list.  If you have read/watched/listened to any of these, I’d love to hear your thoughts, and any recommendations you may have!

I plan to add to this list over time… and may convert the information to a static blog page later, for ease of use.